Saturday, December 31, 2011

...The New Year

I saw a "someecards" greeting that said "Let's put tremendous pressure on ourselves to have a good time" or something along those lines.  That pretty appropriately sums up my feelings on this New Year's Eve.  Gone are the days of getting all bedazzled and heading to an overpriced club downtown to try to cram as much of to drink as possible into my gullet in order to get my "all you can drink" money's worth.  And yet, I'm not ready to resolve myself to the idea of sitting home, alone, ringing in the new year in my pajamas.  So, this year I'm shooting for something in between.  Being a very social being, we'll be spending our last moments of 2011 and the very beginning of 2012 with the friends who have become our family.  And I couldn't be more thrilled.  Well, I could be.  I'd love nothing more than to ring in the new year with my husband, but duty calls.

The end of a year brings a sense of retrospect.  Looking back, 2011 has been one of the greatest and most eventful of all 30 of my years.  The birth of our second child, a new job that keeps me closer to home, the celebration of friends' weddings and the births of many of their first and second babies, the reconnection with family with whom we'd lost touch.  All of these brought a feeling that to describe it as joy seems insignificant.  The death of my grandma was one of the most difficult moments, but without times like this, the others have less meaning.

And with the end of one year comes the beginning of another.  What will the new year bring?  How can 2012 possibly top 2011?  What great things are in store?  I'm not really one to write resolutions - see post about not setting simple goals.  So to resolve to do (or not do) something goes against my nature.  Sure, I'd love to drop the baby weight and then some.  Of course I could stand to be more organized.  Who couldn't?  Why wouldn't I want to blog more?  Read more?  Stress less?  Eat healthier?  Drink less (or more)?  Spend more quality time with the ones I love?  Travel more?  Follow through with creating photo albums for my kids?  But will I really do any or all of these things?  Probably not.  But I just might try.  I'll join the throngs of the resolute at the gym.  We'll see how things go.  Or maybe I should make a resolution to make a resolution and stick with it.  There are still 7 and a half hours til the new year.  That's plenty of time.  

Sunday, November 6, 2011

...Athleticism

Well, not really.  The whole exercise phenomenon is pretty foreign to me.  I mean, I've done it.  And, for the most part, I hate it.  But it does feel good afterward.  And I know that it's going to help me reach the end result I'm looking for much sooner.  So why can't I get the hang of it or the motivation to do it regularly (or even somewhat regularly)?

Yesterday a few of my girlfriends and I ran the Hot Chocolate 5k.  I opted not to train for this, and I'm feeling that decision a bit today.  The energy and excitement I felt at the beginning of the run was amazing.  I had planned to walk the 3.1 miles with one of the girls, but when we got separated, I took the opportunity to see what I could really do and pushed myself to run as much as possible.  When I crossed the finish line, I was so proud of myself - it felt so good!

So maybe I'll try to keep up this whole exercise thing.  Hopefully I can remember that feeling I had at the end of the race the next time I choose to just sit on the couch.

Monday, October 10, 2011

...Setting Goals

Sounds lame, right?  Every commencement speech ever alludes to our goals.  Regular people set goals all the time.  Not this girl.  It's something I've not necessarily been opposed to, but something that I've just never really taken the time to do.  You see, if you set goals and then you don't reach them, you have, in my opinion failed.  And by "you", I mean "I".  I'm not a big fan of failing.

The time has come when a goal must be set.  Otherwise, I might just continue this path of mediocrity for as long as the universe will let me.  And so, I will set a goal for myself right here on this public forum - well, kind of public since no one has ever actually read it.  I'm pretty tired of looking at myself in the mirror and being disgusted by what I see.  The world's most supportive husband doesn't understand my frustration nor my extreme lack of self esteem, and I don't understand how he doesn't.  I get the argument that I did have a baby three months ago, but I'm afraid of letting that excuse win in the long run.

Up to this point, I've often jumped into things with low expectations, expecting the worst in unknown situations so that I can be pleasantly surprised rather than disappointed.  So here goes.  Big sigh.  My goal is to drop 10 el bees by Christmas.  (Sidebar:  this is purposely very do-able.  See fear of failure above.)  Phew.  It's over.  It's out there.  I've said it.  Now I just have to do it.  And if this works, it might just be followed up with another.  Who knows?  This goal setting thing could lead to me finally organizing my closet.  Nah.  I won't get ahead of myself.


Tuesday, September 13, 2011

...Eternity

Okay, so I'm not really on the edge of eternity.  It's just something that I've been thinking about.  A death close to me has a tendency to lead my thoughts in this direction.

As neither an overly religious nor a non-religious person, the concept of eternity has always been a bit confusing and somewhat mystical entity.  I kind of have pictured it like the Robin Williams movie "What Dreams May Come" combined with the book "The Lovely Bones".  In a way, I think your spirit/soul/whatever it is has the choice to be who or what it wants to be and from the time in your life during which it was the most happy.  In the movie, Robin Williams' character's daughter spends time in "heaven" in the form of a flight attendant from Hawaii because she saw the way her dad thought the flight attendant was beautiful and she wanted that kind of beauty.  So I guess it makes sense to me that you would want to feel good about yourself forever.

In thinking about my grandma, I wonder who she would choose to be.  Who would she choose to reconnect with?  Who is waiting for her?  Is it my granddad?  Is it her first husband to whom she was only married for a short time before he was killed in the war?  Is it my oldest brother?  Her brothers?  Her parents?  Friends?  Is there someone who has been waiting to spend eternity with her that she doesn't really care to see or spend eternity with?

Eternity's an awful long time.  I hope we don't really have to choose.

Monday, September 12, 2011

...Clarity

I've been on the edge of a lot lately.  Unfortunately the one thing I am rarely on the edge of is free time.  Or the ability to type with 2 hands.  It takes an awful long time to hammer out a blog with only one.  But now I have a baby sound asleep on my chest, a husband sound asleep on the floor (not sure why he doesn't just go to bed) and a big boy that has finally stopped singing and is now snoring upstairs.

Life has been busy.  With the new job, I have been balancing work and family.  And sometimes I don't feel like I do a good job.  To say that I'm fortunate to have a husband who helps out is the understatement of the year.  I don't know the last time I did a load of laundry from start to finish: from sorting it and putting it in the washer to putting it away.  I've done many steps in between, but rarely do I accomplish this task without some help.  Yes, I know how lucky this is, and no, I'm not getting rid of him anytime soon.  Or ever, for that matter.

It would be accurate to say that executive functioning isn't my forte, and I've always thought that I thrived on a sort of organized chaos.  I'm learning that that's not necessarily the case.  With this newfound organization - or better, attempt at organization - has come a clearer organization of my thoughts.  Funny, you might not think that when reading this ramble.

A few days ago, my grandma went into a coma.  I think I'd rather it be described as a coma-like state, since she did open her eyes and try to talk to me.  As I sat beside her, I didn't know what to say.  How do you say goodbye to someone who is right there?  How do you tell someone thank you for everything?  For the softest cookies?  For teaching me to make bloody marys?  For letting me smoke candy cigarettes when my parents wouldn't allow it?  For walking me back to the fence to pick up buckeyes?  For playing hours of cards and never letting me win - except at slap jack?  For always using the word "fanny" because it made me laugh?  For being an incredible example of strength?  And that was when the moment of clarity hit.  It didn't matter what I said.  All that mattered was that I said it.  Sometimes you just have to get the words out before the moment passes.  Sometimes you just have to do that which seems impossible before the  moment is gone.

The moment is gone now.  I won't ever get the chance again.  I'm so grateful that I took it when I had it.  I don't even remember what I said.  It doesn't matter.  It was my moment of clarity.  Nothing else in that moment mattered.  Those moments are what I am going to try to live for - and take advantage of daily.  Does it matter that my house isn't perfect or that my car's a mess?  Does it matter that I started dinner late so the rest of the night's routine makes for a late bedtime?  What matters is that I enjoy the moments with my family and friends because they don't last forever.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

...Blogging

So, blogging is something I've thought about doing for quite some time.  But what would I write about? How do I narrow the focus of all the things that go through my head on a regular basis?  I'm a wife, a mom, a teacher, a friend, a sister, a daughter.  Basically, I'm kind of a big deal.  So, I've put some thought into this and was recently inspired by my 3 year old's obsession with Lady Gaga.


Henry's latest jam is "Edge of Glory."  He sings it non-stop and is forever requesting Gaga dance parties.  **This is where I would insert his latest music video if I 1)had downloaded it off of the camera yet and 2) knew how**


This constant soundtrack was my inspiration:  If Henry and Lady Gaga are on the edge of glory, what am I on the edge of?  And the answer was simple:  What am I not on the edge of?  And thus was born the idea for this blog.  Today, I'm on the edge of blogging.  I'm sticking my toes into the edge of this thing, and will just have to see how it goes.