Tuesday, September 13, 2011

...Eternity

Okay, so I'm not really on the edge of eternity.  It's just something that I've been thinking about.  A death close to me has a tendency to lead my thoughts in this direction.

As neither an overly religious nor a non-religious person, the concept of eternity has always been a bit confusing and somewhat mystical entity.  I kind of have pictured it like the Robin Williams movie "What Dreams May Come" combined with the book "The Lovely Bones".  In a way, I think your spirit/soul/whatever it is has the choice to be who or what it wants to be and from the time in your life during which it was the most happy.  In the movie, Robin Williams' character's daughter spends time in "heaven" in the form of a flight attendant from Hawaii because she saw the way her dad thought the flight attendant was beautiful and she wanted that kind of beauty.  So I guess it makes sense to me that you would want to feel good about yourself forever.

In thinking about my grandma, I wonder who she would choose to be.  Who would she choose to reconnect with?  Who is waiting for her?  Is it my granddad?  Is it her first husband to whom she was only married for a short time before he was killed in the war?  Is it my oldest brother?  Her brothers?  Her parents?  Friends?  Is there someone who has been waiting to spend eternity with her that she doesn't really care to see or spend eternity with?

Eternity's an awful long time.  I hope we don't really have to choose.

Monday, September 12, 2011

...Clarity

I've been on the edge of a lot lately.  Unfortunately the one thing I am rarely on the edge of is free time.  Or the ability to type with 2 hands.  It takes an awful long time to hammer out a blog with only one.  But now I have a baby sound asleep on my chest, a husband sound asleep on the floor (not sure why he doesn't just go to bed) and a big boy that has finally stopped singing and is now snoring upstairs.

Life has been busy.  With the new job, I have been balancing work and family.  And sometimes I don't feel like I do a good job.  To say that I'm fortunate to have a husband who helps out is the understatement of the year.  I don't know the last time I did a load of laundry from start to finish: from sorting it and putting it in the washer to putting it away.  I've done many steps in between, but rarely do I accomplish this task without some help.  Yes, I know how lucky this is, and no, I'm not getting rid of him anytime soon.  Or ever, for that matter.

It would be accurate to say that executive functioning isn't my forte, and I've always thought that I thrived on a sort of organized chaos.  I'm learning that that's not necessarily the case.  With this newfound organization - or better, attempt at organization - has come a clearer organization of my thoughts.  Funny, you might not think that when reading this ramble.

A few days ago, my grandma went into a coma.  I think I'd rather it be described as a coma-like state, since she did open her eyes and try to talk to me.  As I sat beside her, I didn't know what to say.  How do you say goodbye to someone who is right there?  How do you tell someone thank you for everything?  For the softest cookies?  For teaching me to make bloody marys?  For letting me smoke candy cigarettes when my parents wouldn't allow it?  For walking me back to the fence to pick up buckeyes?  For playing hours of cards and never letting me win - except at slap jack?  For always using the word "fanny" because it made me laugh?  For being an incredible example of strength?  And that was when the moment of clarity hit.  It didn't matter what I said.  All that mattered was that I said it.  Sometimes you just have to get the words out before the moment passes.  Sometimes you just have to do that which seems impossible before the  moment is gone.

The moment is gone now.  I won't ever get the chance again.  I'm so grateful that I took it when I had it.  I don't even remember what I said.  It doesn't matter.  It was my moment of clarity.  Nothing else in that moment mattered.  Those moments are what I am going to try to live for - and take advantage of daily.  Does it matter that my house isn't perfect or that my car's a mess?  Does it matter that I started dinner late so the rest of the night's routine makes for a late bedtime?  What matters is that I enjoy the moments with my family and friends because they don't last forever.