I have a little bit of everything on my mind. Not true. I have a lot of some things and a little bit of pretty much everything else imaginable going on in here. When I first entertained the idea of blogging, I wanted it to be something I did for me. An outlet for ideas and other things going on in life. I did not want it to be a place for me to talk about my kids and how cute they are (blah blah blah). Unfortunately (for the 2 of you who may be reading this), they are my entire world and I don't have very many thoughts that don't involve them. And they are, of course, the "things" that are weighing most heavily on my mind right now.
Stress has never really been something I've handled well. At all. I can usually pull of a pretty decent nonchalant facade, and there's even a woman I work with who told me she wishes she could be as laid back as I am. I try not to get too worked up - especially over things so completely out of my control - but it's just impossible sometimes. For the last month, we've had this coming Thursday looming over our heads. Our 7 month old is having surgery - a fairly minor procedure, a one and done kind of deal, but it needs to be done immediately. I'm just so unbelievably anxious about her being under anesthesia for the 3 hour procedure. I've tried focusing on the bright side. Once it's done, it's done. There's not a better place for her to be having the procedure or a better doctor to be performing it. There are so many babies and their families who are going through and have been through so much more. But the anxiety over this procedure causes me to just freeze sometimes. I can't think past of anything else. My heart is racing and my eyes constantly have tears at the ready.
To add to the stress of L's surgery, both kids are sick. It's never fun to have sick kiddos. L's on Day 8 of her first antibiotics for an ear infection and a nasal spray. Nothing really gets her down, so she's not your normal sick baby. H goes all typical male, speaking in only whines and this time he's barking. That's not his fault, though. I've yet to experience anything in parenting that makes me feel as helpless as the croup. There's nothing we can do to help him breathe easier. Sitting in steam for 10 minutes or so every hour throughout the night. Modeling long slow breaths. Nothing works. He's so terrified looking into my eyes trying to understand why he can't breathe. So now he's on a steroid, and we're hoping that works. Really, I'm just hoping he sleeps tonight.
So those are the big things. The ones that really matter. Everything else is just gravy. Icing. Sprinkles. Whatever. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining. I'm so grateful to have these two amazing kiddos and their dad who makes everything that I am and have possible. All of this worry is totally worth all the happiness they bring. I think the new Muppet movie said it best when "Gary" played by Jason Segel (totally my celebrity crush, btw) sings "I've got everything that I need right in front of me." I can't help but smile when I hear the song, and I can't help but sing it in my head - and sometimes out loud - when I look around my house.