Monday, November 19, 2012

NOT Obsessing

It's not a secret that my weight is one of my obsessions.  I've blogged about it a bit.  I talk about it a bit. And I think about it pretty much all the time.  My weight has fluctuated my whole life, and I can't ever think of a time when I've felt good about how I look.  Sure, I look AMAZING in a bridesmaid dress with my hair, nails, and lashes did (see here).  But for me it's not about how I look, but how I really feel about me.

After we got married (almost 9 years ago!), I suffered from a case of the happy fat.  Cooking for the hubs, who LOVES to eat well, was one of my favorite past times, and I seemed to lose sight of the fact that eating the same amount of a 6'5", 220 lb guy wouldn't bode well on my 5'4" frame.

Enter Weight Watchers.  I did so well sticking to the program for about 6 months.  And then I quit my law firm job, went back to school to get my teaching certificate and Masters, and started working in an Italian restaurant.  And the weight went back up.

New Years '06 or '07 (can't remember)
Check out my sweet 80s Prom date, Walter
And then the best thing that could ever happen to a weight-obsessed fat girl happened:  I got pregnant.  I did not once consider that every bite I put in my mouth was not just feeding this child, but was also sticking to my thighs, as well.  

36.5 weeks pregnant with H.  Yikes.
64 pounds and 41 weeks later, H was born.  And the obsession began again.  What's ridiculous is that while I obsess about this, I tend to be a bit lazy.  My motivation waxes and wanes, and I generally prefer a delicious meal and cocktails with friends to waking up early and exercising.  I never reached my pre-pregnancy weight - but was only 2 pounds away when I got pregnant again.  Note: It was 2 years later.  This time I did much better and only gained around 45 pounds.
39 weeks - L's birthday
Thanks scheduled c-section for letting me do my hair and make-up before heading to the hospital
It's been 17 months.  I've been working pretty hard - trying to find a balance between delicious food, cocktails, and exercise.  Running is something that I was really beginning to enjoy - especially when I can join my girls.  A few weeks ago, I hit my pre-pregnancy weight with H.  But I wasn't happy with how I looked then, and things are a lot different now.  Funny what those kids do to your body.  
H & L Side-by-Side All the Time
Reminding me that all of this is SOOO unbelievably worth it
And now, I can't exercise.  Or even weigh myself thanks to our fancy scale with the foot sensors.  And I'm trying not to panic.  My brain is full of what-ifs concerning my weight.  So I started planning a fast.  And a cleanse.  And then I remembered that this is not a permanent thing.  I'll bounce back.  Thanksgiving is my favorite.  I need to not worry.  Or go nuts.  Finding a balance won't be easy, but it will all be okay.  Maybe I should be thinking about other things right now.  Like maybe the parent-teacher conferences I'm going to run all day today and tomorrow.  Maybe I should be more concerned with the more important things?

1 comment:

  1. So what I've gotten out of my whole healthy living thing is that it's okay to have a good dinner and cocktails with friends, just as long as you don't do it every meal, every day! So enjoy the holidays, and don't feel guilty about it.

    You did look really fantastic in that bridesmaid dress! And I remember a time not too long ago when you wouldn't voluntarily go sleeveless like that (gosh, even the original dress you picked comes to mind there). I think you look great, and it's awesome that you've lost all the baby weight. But, having struggled with my weight my entire life, I totally understand how you feel. Right now I feel really good about where I'm at, but I'm in constant fear of backsliding like I have so many times before, so weight is always on my mind too. Ugh. Why can't we just be happy with our otherwise awesome lives?